Living with Ovarian Cancer

According to the Discovery channel, I just found out tonight, elephants suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. How totally bizarre! Not entirely surprising as I've seen previously that they grieve for family members who've died/been killed and stuff like that, but PTSD?

Not the sort of programme I normally watch, but I was trapped on the settee with an extremely comfortable cat stretched out across my lap so couldn't really go anywhere and there was absolutely NOTHING else on.

You can tell it's getting near Christmas when the TV gets crap of a night!

Just found out today - after two months of waiting, like - that I will be getting Income Support in the absolutely massive amount of £18.53 a week. Wah-hey, lets go out and party - not! So that means in total I will be getting just over £500 a month in benefits, between Disability Living Allowance, Income Support and Incapacity Benefit. Shame my bills are about £700 a month, isn't it?

Got a 'work-related interview' at Pontefract Job Centre tomorrow morning as well. Why the hell I need a 'work-related interview' when I'm claiming Incapacity Benefit due to being unable to work due to chemotherapy and the assorted side effects, I don't quite know, but then I don't know why the benefit system does anything as none of it seems to either work or make sense, so nothing new there! I'm just waiting for the stupid cow I'm due to see to turn around and say "Well you don't LOOK ill, so why can't you go back to work?"

Oooooh, just try it missus and see what reaction you'll get! As if I WANT to be sat around the house all day too skint and feeling (after chemo anyway) too grotty to do anything! I'd MUCH rather be out at work, thanks!

Unfortunately, however, the chemo I've been having - Caelyx - isn't working so we're going to try Topotecan next year - starting early January probably. Topotecan is given once a week for three weeks with a fourth week off, so if I can't work around Caelyx there is no way in hell I am going to be able to work around Topotecan. I've had chemo weekly before in 2005, and it sucked the big one, as Americans say. And Topotecan according to Cancer Research UK's site is even more toxic than Gemcitabine and Carboplatin, so this should be REAL fun. I don't bloody think.

Still, not got much choice, have I? Have the chemo or die, hmm let me think about that for a minute!

Plus there's always the chance, not that Topotecan won't work but that I won't be able to take it. In which case we're back to Cisplatin with a daily tablet of something else I forget the name of, which is even less likely to work than Topotecan as I had Cisplatin earlier this year and it didn't really do a lot. Plus you have to spend a night in hospital every dose, and this possible treatment of Cisplatin is also given on a weekly basis with the fourth week off. So that would be a night in hospital EVERY BLOODY WEEK!! This is why I'm going for the Topotecan! Plus, to be honest, it's a new drug to me, I've not had it before so it should work really good as I'll have no resistance, and if they pump me full of enough steroids and anti-histamines I should be OK for at least most of the treatment. So fingers bloody crossed, huh? Too young to die at only 35..... want to reach at least 40 first please!

Quite frankly, my life sucks the big one.

On Friday I went to St James' Hospital in Leeds for my usual pre-chemotherapy check up. My mum came with me as we were due to get the results of the CT scan I had two weeks ago. Surprise surprise, the Chemotherapy (Caelyx) isn't working and we now have to try something else! So basically I've been poisoning myself once a month for the last three months for nothing. So I've got an appointment (or I will have when the hospital sends me the appointment card) on the 28th December to tell Dr Jackson which chemotherapy I want to try next. I'm going to say Topotecan, as although I have to have it once a week same as Cisplatin, Topotecan is given as an outpatient so I can curl up and die at home rather than in a manky uncomfortable hospital bed like I would have to with Cisplatin! But still, it sucks. And there's a good chance with Topotecan my hair will fall out again, like it did with my first ever chemo Taxol. There are advantages to that, admittedly - for instance its the only time in your life you get to moisturise your scalp, not to mention if your head hair goes so does most if not all of your body hair which means you don't have to shave your legs for six months - added bonus! On the other hand if I start Topotecan in January, it'll be damn cold with no hair and I've only just got the chemo curl out of this lot of hair! So it'll grow back curly again - aaaaaahhhhhh!!

And on top of that, I phoned my Sickness Insurance provider on my mortgage yesterday and was told my claim was declined because I knew about the condition when I took the policy out. Despite the arseholes at Northern Rock telling me twice that I would be covered as I've always managed to work around the chemotherapy before now! Sooooooooo annoyed with that! And worried, because now I'm skint and I was really counting on that £450 to help pay the bills!

I tell ya, if I was an illegal immigrant I'd be living in a cushy posh flat with no worries and tons of benefits by now, whereas because I'm a British taxpayer I'm still waiting after TWO MONTHS to hear whether I get income support or not and there's practically nowt else I can claim for!

Still, there you go, rant over. If this offends anyone tough shit - don't like it don't read it. I don't care, this is just to get stuff off my chest and make me feel better!

Gonna go enter some more competitions and put more junk on Ebay in the hope I sell some of it! Could do with winning the Lottery, but that ain't gonna happen, is it?