Well, I've been meaning to write this down and get it off my chest since they released me from hospital to the tender care of my Mum on 6th March, so I suppose I'd best get it done.

Not only do I have a stonking great saddle-shaped blood clot right slap bang in the branch of my pulmonary artery, which has meant I've had to stop chemo, the chemo I was on is apparently not working. The only one the hospital is now talking like I can have is Cisplatin plus a daily tablet, which works on one in ten people. Not particularly good odds, 10%.

And after Dr Perren told me that on his ward round, I then had the Macmillan Nurse suggesting that I might want to consider not having any treatment at all and going for purely symptomatic care. This means treat the symptoms not the cancer. Apparently the Cisplatin thing can really make people ill, and some people decide quality of life is more important than length.

However, I am not one of these! Quality of life is important, yes, but for Christ's sake I'm not even 36 til Sunday!! Symptomatic Care? Oh, aye, yeah, lets try that and just wait to die, huh?!? I don't bloody think so!!

I've got a clinic appointment on the 7th April to see if a) the blood clot has reduced/gone and b) discuss possible treatments, and I'm going to insist on trying Taxotere. They tried me on this at the beginning of 2004 when I reacted big time to Paclitaxel, and I only had a teeny weeny mild reaction but at that point, being the start of my treatment, they were kind of like "Oh well never mind, lets not bother with that there's plenty of other treatments out there." So now's the time to try it again, methinks. Shit, not like I've got anything left to lose, is it? I'm surely not willing to die just yet, I would like to reach at least 37 thank you very much!

Not a very nice thing to be told by your doctor, though. "Oh dear, we're running out of options and you are running out of lifespan." Hmm, cheerful. Thanks.

I don't want to die, there're too many things I want to do first!!

Hallelujah, a third of the way through this lot of chemotherapy!! Only another four months' worth of poison to go

On the upside, the Hickman Line is now fully installed into my chest, which certainly made chemo on Tuesday a damn sight easier than usual! I went in on Monday to get the Hickman line put in. A bit nervous, like, as I've not had an op or anything since my hysterectomy in 2004. They plonked us on the gourney in the prep room and stuck a canula into my left elbow to put the sedative in. "Oh, you'll just get a bit sleepy or you might go to sleep. Nothing to worry about."

"Everything's getting a bit woozy." says I, seeing the edges of my vision start to wobble like you're underwater. Then poof, out like a light, the next thing I see is the surgeon bending over me and I can feel him putting stitches in my right pectoral muscle to hold the catheter in place. I must have just gone limp

Quite nice, really, as I hadn't slept very well the night before, so I caught up on all my kip quite nicely.

So, that's in. I got my chemo on Tuesday - yech - followed by a bag of iron and two units of blood, on account of being quite seriously anaemic. Spent ALL DAY stuck in hospital having the blood etc, but I do feel a LOT less breathless than I did on Monday. I'm still tired, and I still get out of breath going up one flight of stairs, but that's normal for two days post-chemo. I am NOT breathless after walking down the kitchen to the back door! And even better, I've got a week off now as Tuesday's dose was the third part of the second dose, so it's now my week off! Yay!!!!

And even more of a miracle, I've actually got an appointment to register with AN NHS DENTIST tomorrow at 10.45!! Good grief, will wonders never cease?!? And if I take my letter in from Jobcentre confirming I get Income Support, I even get FREE dental treatment! So I think if there is anything at all wrong with my teeth - which there will be what with naturally crumbly teeth (thanks Dad for your duff genes!) and chemo - I will be getting everything done before I go back to work in July!

Also, if this chemo works and everything goes according to plan, I want to do a charity cycle ride across India in November. Got a leaflet about it with the Ovarian Cancer Action newsletter and it looks pretty good. You don't have to be hyper hyper fit, just up to a certain level and able to cycle 6/7 hours per day, at any speed. Can't do it yet but if I finish chemo at the beginning of June, don't see why I can't get up to that level of fitness by mid-November. It's raising the £3,000 sponsorship that's worrying me - not sure whether I'd be able to do that but we'll have to see. Can't sign up for it yet anyway as not sure whether this chemo's working yet - won't find out til beginning of April when I've had a CT scan. If it ain't and we have to have Cisplatin, well that won't finish til September so cycle rides'll be out. But this one ought to work - I've not had it before so no resistance to it yet so fingers crossed!

Anyway, there you go. I now have a catheter dangling from the upper slope of my right tit, which is a bit of an awkward place for it but who am I to argue? At least I don't have to sit around with my hands in a bucket of hot water for half an hour then endure another half hour of people turning my hands into pincushions looking for veins!

Another update on the trials and tribulations of chemotherapy

Saw Dr Perren on 1st February for the usual between-chemo checkup. Asked him about getting some form of central line put in, as it is now getting near-on impossible to find a vein in my hands that can be canulated. Especially as I am now having chemo three weeks out of four - it was hard enough finding veins once a month but now it's getting ridiculous. Miracle of miracles, Dr Perren agreed that it would be a good idea to get a Pick Line put in and walked me down to talk to the nurse in charge of these things! That is a first - every other consultant I've asked about a central line tends to try and talk you out of it, but Dr Perren was just really calm about it and didn't try and talk me out of it at all!

So, on Tuesday, when I was due for the first dose of the second cycle of Topotecan, Di the nurse tried to get a pick line into my elbow. This is a long canula that goes into a vein at your elbow then up, across your collarbone and into some artery near your heart. Or at least that's the theory, anyway! Needless to say, it didn't work with me - big surprise there then! The first pick line decided it was going up into my jugular instead, so that had to be taken out. Cue copious amounts of blood both inserting and extracting it - I bleed like a stuck pig at the best of times (fair skin you know) and because I'm a bit anaemic of course I bled even more. Niiiiiice. Just as well I'm not squeamish! Then the second line did a u-turn in my arm and didn't even make it up to my shoulder! So, no pick line. Probably a good thing, as you can't raise the arm with the pick line (my right) over your head which would be awkward seeing as I am right handed!

So what we're going to do now is try and get a Hickman Line in on the 18th - it means one more dose of chemo with struggling to find a decent vein in my hands, then on the 18th a dose of sedation and a two hour wait before an x-ray to make sure it's in the right place. Also means no iron next week either unless we get a good vein - fat chance! So hello anaemia, goodbye energy. As if the breathlessness from the fluid build-up in my abdomen wasn't bad enough

I could always go in overnight and get them to drain my abdomen off, but I'd rather wait and see how bad it gets first. Only gained 1/4 of an inch around my waist this week, as opposed to 3/4 of an inch last week, so that's a definite slow down in fluid build up. Fingers crossed after next Tuesday it ought to stop, if not start reducing!

At least with a Hickman Line it's not really going to affect my movement - it goes into an artery in your chest just below your collarbone/above the boob so apart from not being able to immerse it in water (no swimming and no baths) it shouldn't be too bad. Better than a pick line, where you can't raise your arm over your head, go swimming or play golf (hah!). Bearing in mind most of the shelves in my house are higher than my head, not to mention my airer in the kitchen.....

Anyway, just have to wait and see now. Need to get an INR done with all the other bloods on Monday, but Di's sent my blood cards out to me already filled in so that's good.

OMG, right, just found out that, get this, WALES ACTUALLY BEAT ENGLAND IN THE SIX NATIONS!!!!!!!

Gwlaaaad, gwlaaaad, pleidol wyf i'm gwlaaaaaaaaaad

Wales beat England, Wales beat England! Yay!! I'd hang my flag out the window if I thought it wouldn't blow away in these howling gales

Right, be warned, this is a rant

According to my darling mother, it is all my fault I've got Ovarian Cancer, on account of the fact I had a high-fat diet for a few years in my early 20s! Christ, she might as well say it's my fault I've got cancer cos I didn't get pregnant at 16 like half the girls I went to schoo with - that can be a contributing factor as well you know!

I don't know where she gets half this shite from, I really don't. This time it's Jeremy Vine's fault - she was listening to him on the radio yesterday and apparently he was on about the BRACA1 gene which is linked to high rates of ovarian and breast cancer being in the family and saying no one ever checks the father's side of the family, only the mothers. This set MY daft bitch of a mum off worrying that cancer runs in Dad's side cos it's not in hers, but who is the one researching our family tree?!? ME, oddly enough!!! So if there was a history of ovarian and breast cancer in Dad's side, I reckon I'd have found some trace of it by now on account of having got like 5 generations back.

Told her this when she rang me as usual of a night, and then it went onto 'Well you had a high-fat diet with loads of sweets and cakes in it didn't you before you got ill, that's a contributing factor you know'. In that case, my sister should have developed OC about 10 years before me, her diet's well worse than mine when she ain't doing Weightwatchers!!

IT JUST PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH WHEN BLOODY MUM STARTS ACTING LIKE I WANTEDODDING OVARIAN CANCER AND SPEND FOUR YEARS HAVING BLOODY CHEMO!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH.

Seriously, if she starts going on about the same thing tonight she can fuck off if she thinks I'm coming over to Wales for her sodding birthday on Saturday, and I'll bloody tell her so. I refuse to drive 200+ miles just to be told it's basically my own fault I've got Ovarian Cancer, instead of just plain bad bloody luck.

Still, there you go, rant over, out of my system. Parents, huh, who needs 'em!

Another year, another cycle of chemotherapy looms on the horizon!

Starting Topotecan on Monday - took long enough to arrange hospital transport but have finally got it sorted so I can get in to Jimmys for the poison. Our Ali's bringing us home, rather than wait up to 3 hours for hospital transport back out to Pontefract! Not really looking forward to it at all, although I know what to expect as this is now my sixth treatment of chemo since being diagnosed in 2004!

The hair's gonna go with this one as well, apparently, so it'll be bye bye hair and hello German POW look again! Hopefully won't get as skinny as when I last lost my hair due to chemo in 2004 - got down to 10 stone which is WAY too thin for my height (5'9") and build. Even my mum, the queen of 'You have to be a size 12 to be beautiful' admits now that size 12 is actually too thin for me - amazing what cancer'll do to change your relationships

Should get some weight off - it's surprising what not eating'll do for the weight - but hopefully not too much. Another stone/stone and a half'll do fine for me.

Apart from that, had a decent Christmas. Dave's ominous hints that he was 'carving' me a Christmas present turned out to be a collaborative pressie from several relatives of a new PC - built by Dave of course! Pretty good - much faster than old PC and much better graphics card. Loads more detail on City of Villains - never knew the quartermasters/arbiters and fateweavers were all shades of grey and white rather than just white! And the Sims does run quite a bit faster now - so thank you Davey!

Even joined Facebook a couple of weeks ago - quite good with being off on the Sick and sitting at home a lot. Good way of keeping in touch with a lot of my friends that I have worked with previously - most of them seem to be on facebook for some reason! Also a dishy distant cousin who's in the army has a facebook page - bit of a hunk he is! Fed up getting chatted up by infants in cheshire and london though - if I go into a chat room everyone who messages me is either under 20 - WAAAAAY too young - or from Turkey or something! Ack! Need to find an uglier photo, that'll get rid of that i think!

According to the Discovery channel, I just found out tonight, elephants suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. How totally bizarre! Not entirely surprising as I've seen previously that they grieve for family members who've died/been killed and stuff like that, but PTSD?

Not the sort of programme I normally watch, but I was trapped on the settee with an extremely comfortable cat stretched out across my lap so couldn't really go anywhere and there was absolutely NOTHING else on.

You can tell it's getting near Christmas when the TV gets crap of a night!

Just found out today - after two months of waiting, like - that I will be getting Income Support in the absolutely massive amount of £18.53 a week. Wah-hey, lets go out and party - not! So that means in total I will be getting just over £500 a month in benefits, between Disability Living Allowance, Income Support and Incapacity Benefit. Shame my bills are about £700 a month, isn't it?

Got a 'work-related interview' at Pontefract Job Centre tomorrow morning as well. Why the hell I need a 'work-related interview' when I'm claiming Incapacity Benefit due to being unable to work due to chemotherapy and the assorted side effects, I don't quite know, but then I don't know why the benefit system does anything as none of it seems to either work or make sense, so nothing new there! I'm just waiting for the stupid cow I'm due to see to turn around and say "Well you don't LOOK ill, so why can't you go back to work?"

Oooooh, just try it missus and see what reaction you'll get! As if I WANT to be sat around the house all day too skint and feeling (after chemo anyway) too grotty to do anything! I'd MUCH rather be out at work, thanks!

Unfortunately, however, the chemo I've been having - Caelyx - isn't working so we're going to try Topotecan next year - starting early January probably. Topotecan is given once a week for three weeks with a fourth week off, so if I can't work around Caelyx there is no way in hell I am going to be able to work around Topotecan. I've had chemo weekly before in 2005, and it sucked the big one, as Americans say. And Topotecan according to Cancer Research UK's site is even more toxic than Gemcitabine and Carboplatin, so this should be REAL fun. I don't bloody think.

Still, not got much choice, have I? Have the chemo or die, hmm let me think about that for a minute!

Plus there's always the chance, not that Topotecan won't work but that I won't be able to take it. In which case we're back to Cisplatin with a daily tablet of something else I forget the name of, which is even less likely to work than Topotecan as I had Cisplatin earlier this year and it didn't really do a lot. Plus you have to spend a night in hospital every dose, and this possible treatment of Cisplatin is also given on a weekly basis with the fourth week off. So that would be a night in hospital EVERY BLOODY WEEK!! This is why I'm going for the Topotecan! Plus, to be honest, it's a new drug to me, I've not had it before so it should work really good as I'll have no resistance, and if they pump me full of enough steroids and anti-histamines I should be OK for at least most of the treatment. So fingers bloody crossed, huh? Too young to die at only 35..... want to reach at least 40 first please!

Quite frankly, my life sucks the big one.

On Friday I went to St James' Hospital in Leeds for my usual pre-chemotherapy check up. My mum came with me as we were due to get the results of the CT scan I had two weeks ago. Surprise surprise, the Chemotherapy (Caelyx) isn't working and we now have to try something else! So basically I've been poisoning myself once a month for the last three months for nothing. So I've got an appointment (or I will have when the hospital sends me the appointment card) on the 28th December to tell Dr Jackson which chemotherapy I want to try next. I'm going to say Topotecan, as although I have to have it once a week same as Cisplatin, Topotecan is given as an outpatient so I can curl up and die at home rather than in a manky uncomfortable hospital bed like I would have to with Cisplatin! But still, it sucks. And there's a good chance with Topotecan my hair will fall out again, like it did with my first ever chemo Taxol. There are advantages to that, admittedly - for instance its the only time in your life you get to moisturise your scalp, not to mention if your head hair goes so does most if not all of your body hair which means you don't have to shave your legs for six months - added bonus! On the other hand if I start Topotecan in January, it'll be damn cold with no hair and I've only just got the chemo curl out of this lot of hair! So it'll grow back curly again - aaaaaahhhhhh!!

And on top of that, I phoned my Sickness Insurance provider on my mortgage yesterday and was told my claim was declined because I knew about the condition when I took the policy out. Despite the arseholes at Northern Rock telling me twice that I would be covered as I've always managed to work around the chemotherapy before now! Sooooooooo annoyed with that! And worried, because now I'm skint and I was really counting on that £450 to help pay the bills!

I tell ya, if I was an illegal immigrant I'd be living in a cushy posh flat with no worries and tons of benefits by now, whereas because I'm a British taxpayer I'm still waiting after TWO MONTHS to hear whether I get income support or not and there's practically nowt else I can claim for!

Still, there you go, rant over. If this offends anyone tough shit - don't like it don't read it. I don't care, this is just to get stuff off my chest and make me feel better!

Gonna go enter some more competitions and put more junk on Ebay in the hope I sell some of it! Could do with winning the Lottery, but that ain't gonna happen, is it?

Hooray for me - I finally finished National Novel Writing Month with a total word count of 50,126!!!! Not bad for one month, huh?

It does of course mean that now NaNoWriMo is over, I don't have to write 2000 words a day every day for a month so I can start writing my blog again. All I have set myself target-wise for the next three months is to write 500 words a day on either my old NaNo effort from last year - 50K+ and still going - or this years effort which is Harry Potter fan fic. Have to say that I have posted the first five chapters of this on Fanfiction.net and so far it's had some really good reviews, which is always nice especially as it's my first fanfic effort ever!

Must get round to finishing off last year's NaNo effort and get it on Lulu, see if anyone wants to buy it!

Other news, my wonderful bro-in-law has been round a couple of times this week to help (hah, I helped him!) replace the cream carpet in my living room (never a good idea with two cats who shed pretty much all year round!) with a lovely laminate wood flooring like the one in my converted loft-bedroom. Finished it a couple of days ago and frankly it's brilliant - bought a nice big rug from Ikea yesterday for a mere £10 which sets it off nicely and still gives the cats something soft to lie on in front of the fire (always important if you actually want to use your lap for anything like putting a book on!). If you ever read this Dave, it's lovely and thanks a million. When you get round to doing the same to your living room, you know where I am!

And my lovely friend from Leicester who is now living in Bournemouth and totally skint has finally admitted defeat and is in theory going to be moving up here in January! Wicked or what? Ain't seen her for ages and ages, on account of me being in Yorkshire and her being waaaaaaaaay down south, so it'll be wicked to have her living with me for a bit til she finds her own place! Come on Sylv, get your butt up here!!

Anyway, enough said. Off to chill by reading very bad fanfic and thinking "God, mine's well better than that!"

Yes, had my mum on the phone today reminding me that it is now LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS until Christmas!!!!! Blimey, already? It don't seem two weeks ago that we were on holiday in Bonny Scotland, but its actually three months ago! Ack!

Got my friend coming up from Bournemouth for Christmas, as well as my sister, her husband and his brother coming over for Christmas lunch. Its my turn this year, apparently. Not that I mind - warms the house up quite nicely when the oven's on for about four hours, what with the turkey and the roasties and everything else. Don't know how much I'll feel like eating, bearing in mind it'll be 15 days precisely since my fourth dose of chemotherapy, but I'm sure I'll manage to choke down some roasties and of course the Christmas pud, if nothing else! And probably copious amounts of red wine, which if I get a decent one does get rid of the metallic taste that chemo leaves quite nicely!

Speaking of wine, bought a Californian Merlot from Tesco last week which is quite nice. Was surprised as it was rather cheap - Echo Falls or something beginning with E, anyway. The bottle's downstairs and I'm too comfy in my computer chair upstairs, wrapped in a throw and with two candles going for light and heat, to be bothered to get up, troll downstairs and go find out the actual name. Terrible being this idle, isn't it?!?

But hey, my stairs are steep (old - like 1845 - terraced house), downstairs is getting cold cos I've turned the fires off on account of being up here, and Computer Room (the old front bedroom before I got my loft converted) is warm! Even with the door wedged open for the cats.

Speaking of cats, I managed to confuse my youngest cat Jake last weekend - not that it takes much as he's not the brightest penny in the bag! He kindly brought in a live mouse and sat down in the middle of the living room floor with it in his gob. So before he dropped it and it buggered off under the furniture or more likely down the hole in the plaster under the floor, I took it out of his mouth - not a mark on it mind - and took it down the garden. In the dark, cold and rain - the things I do to rescue local wildlife! When I got back in, Jake spent the next half hour looking round the same patch of floor where I'd taken the mouse from him as if it was still there! He kept looking under the settee. Now, bearing in mind my settee comes with in a centimetre of the floor, if a mouse had got under there it would be the rodent equivalent of Eugene Tooms from that Squeeze episode of the X-files! Stupid animal. Jake, I mean, not the mouse. Although the mouse was stupid enough to get caught by something with a bell round its neck, so it can't have been that bright!

Anyway, gotta go. Still need to write 1300 words today for National Novel Writing Month, which runs out on 30th November and I'm only on about 31K where I need 50K!! Eeek!!

Later.